Sincere Thoughts from my Heart

Have you ever felt lost and undone?  I thought I had.  I have always had a bit of a flair for the melodramatic.  As a child, even a perceived slight could send me over the edge.  I like to think that this has been tempered as I've grown.  I still have my moments, but with maturity has come some discretion.

And yet, as I sit here, I feel a sense of utter... hopelessness?  loss? turmoil?  I don't even know what the right word is.  I know that whatever I felt in the past was merely a child's fantasy compared to the heartache and pain I feel now.  It is so complete that I have trouble catching my breath and feel that at any moment I may be crushed completely by it's heaviness.

I know that it is only temporary, because things of this world are.  But it doesn't feel that way right now.  It feels as if there is no end in sight.  All that is ahead is more pain and problems and bad.  This, though, is also a cause to be thankful.  I'm glad that I am not ruled by my feelings.  I'm glad that I've had instruction and devotion to the idea of "taking my thoughts captive," as the apostle Paul instructs. I don't have to give in to this feeling of terror and hopelessness.  I feel them to be sure.  They are currently choking me with their intensity and I barely have a reprieve from my tears to type this out.  But they don't own me and they can't completely consume me because there is a part of me that no longer belongs to me.  That is the part I must listen to and rely on.

The other truth of this, there are very real circumstances behind these fickle feelings.  There are things in my life that are bad and wrong and I have no clue when or how they will change.  It may take a while and it may be uncomfortable.  This is truth.  However, I am not alone.  I don't suffer alone.  I like to think that I do because I have a tendency to hide myself away while I'm dealing with such horrible things.  Yet, no matter how hard I try to recede, God is always there.  He is beside me and within me.  This is the comfort that while I abide in Him and in His Word while things are rosy, He will abide in me as well, especially when things aren't.

I also have friends and family.  Some of what I'm going through, they are, too.  We struggle together.  I can be thankful that God sends people when you need them.  Though many are unaware of what is going on at this moment, it's okay.  

I'm also keenly aware that my current struggle and state aren't as bad as it could be.  Part of my heartache is for a friend  who is on the verge of the battle of his life, literally.  I share their pain and it breaks my heart.  It does not devalidate what I am going through, but it does give perspective.

The current, sincere prayer of my heart is that God would lead and guide me through this moment of despair and help me to honor and glorify Him through it.  I pray that it will not last long, but even if it does, I pray that He will help me to lean into Him and not anywhere else.  I pray that He be with my friends as they go through their own severe time and that healing and comfort would be upon them.  

God be with us.

January Book Reviews...

I did it!  Four days late, but I finally finished my first reading goal of the year.  My books for January were Has Christianity Failed You? by Ravi Zacharias, Emma by Jane Austen, and Chapter One, Submission of The Making of an Ordinary Saint by Nathan Foster.

I hate to say it, but I never even cracked the cover of Emma.  Well, I don't hate it that much because, well, it was supposed to be my "fun" book.  A kind of place to relax and enjoy.  So, it wasn't a high priority durinng my busy January.  So, no I see it as more of a "no harm, no foul" type of situation and I'm not going to get too spun up about it.  If it works out then I may try to work it in some point in the future.  (I really will read a Jane Austen book someday - and just starting Mansfield Park doesn't count)

I did read the first chapter of The Making of an Ordinary Saint.  I wrote a little about that already and I hope to write more about my journey (and failure) of practicing the discipline of Submission during the month of January.  The good part about that is that the disciplines should build and support one another, so even though, I may not have just had abudant success in January, I can (and will) keep working on it for Febuary along with my new discipline.

Now, for the main event.  I finally finished Has Christianity Failed You?  That sounds much worse than I actually feel.  It just seemed to take forever.  I'm sure this says more about me than about the book.  Even though I listen to Mr. Zacharias' sermons and debates weekly, this is the first book of his that I have read.  I must say that it reads much like you would expect if you are familiar with his style.  This is to say, that if you would rather speak on the "vicissitude" of life, then this book is for you (yes, I did have to look this word, and many others, up).

That is to say that this is very wordy and academic.  This is NOT a bad thig.  Reading scholarly works is needed.  However, I do think that there are times when the author is wordy or academic needlessly.  I don't think it is out of any malintent, but rather a byproduct of his background and apologetics.  For the most part, he debates and speaks to very learned people, so this is how he writes.  I think it probaly lends itself well to many of his other works, but if this was to to accessable to the masses who are questioning Christianity, it may have needed an adjustment.

That is the more of the style of the writing, but what of the substance?  Well, it's good.  Even though I knew where he was heading, it was still a pleasure to see how he got there.  As with many who are skilled in debate, I think some of the arguments were made out of rhetoric rather than to answer the actual question posed.  In the end, though, I think he tacked the heart of the problem behind this question well.

Short Notes:

Did I enjoy this book?  Meh.  It was good and stretched my brain, but I found it intimidating and tedious.

Did I learn anything from this book?  Yes!  Can you read anything by Ravi Zacharias and not learn something?  I tthink not.  It is not an apologetic, but it does help alter the way you look at God, people, and the church.

Would I recommend this book to others?  Probably not.  It would really depend on the situation.  I believe that you could probably read the last chapter and glean most of what this book has to offer.