Long time, no read...

So, I am not quite sure that anyone out there reads this, but regardless, it has been a good long while since I've written.  Again.  I don't know why I do so well for a while and then tend to fall off.  In any event, here I am... with nothing much to say... yet.  (see what I did there).

Hopefully, I will get back into the swing of things.  I have a little challenge that I've made with myself (hopefully, I'll win).  I want to write more whether or not my mom is the only one out there reading this stuff (JK, my mom totally doesn't even read my blog).  

With that in mind, I kinda wanted to share a little something that I needed today.  

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you.Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid."  John 14:27 (ESV)

I have struggled a lot lately with fear.  It has gripped me and it has dehibilitated me in major ways.  I have many fears, but they all tend to come back to the great fear of the unknown.  In the end, it doesn't matter where the fear originates, it is wrong.  I am a Christian, a follower of Christ.  Because of that alone, I should not fear.  I shouldn't look at what may be around the corner, but focus on what is right now.

The other side of this is the peace issue.  I serve a God of peace and He has placed that peace within me.  I think we often misunderstand what peace actually is.  It isn't the absence of trouble.  It isn't a serene, calm feeling.  No, peace is merely resting in the knowledge that it is all okay.  You see, many Christian bretheren are constantly martyred all over the world.  They may or may not have a calm, serene feeling, but you can rest assured that they have peace.  They have the inherent bone deep knowledge that it is going to be okay, no matter what 'it' may be.   That is the peace of God; that is the peace all christians should seek.

Peace and fear can rarely, if ever, coexist.  If we truly hold the belief that it will all work to God's honor and our good, then it is hard to fear, even when the circumstaces seem dire.  In times past, many Christians would sing, shout, or say 'Hallelujah' but I think that we have forgotten what that means.  It isn't an affirmation or a declaration of agreement.  Hallelujah isn't an Amen (Let it be so).  No, hallelujah is a victory cry.  It is what is said at the end of the battle when it is won!  You see, we can cry hallelujah even in the midst of battle, because we know where the victory lies and who is for us.  When we stand with Christ, we don't have to wonder or worry about the outcome because the outcome is already secured.  We are His and He is our Victor!  To know Him and that victory is true and everlasting peace that can chase away each and every fear.                                                                                                      

Yay, Running!

Well... I did it!  I did my first 5K.  It was a lot of fun, too.  I signed up a while back and I didn't know everyone in my group, but my BFF was 'running' with me.  And we rocked it.  Hard.

It wasn't a serious run, it was a fun run, but that's okay.  We did it!  I finished.  I didn't stop.  I worked hard for several weeks before hand.  The Hubs helped.  We went to the track 3 days a week and did 3 miles each time.  Even that was really fun!  So much so, that I am already looking to the next one.  It will probably be another fun one (I'm looking to the Color Run, but I haven't decided yet) because I just don't think I'll be ready.  I'm still walking more than I'm running, but I'm getting there.

Oh, wretched (wo)man that I am...

Okay, so here I am again.  My jeans are tight.  My summer wardrobe will once again consist of baggy tee shirts and jeans (or jean capris if it is really warm).  I'll be turning down quite a few social engagements because I don't have anything to wear and refuse to go get clothes in a bigger size.  I'm disgusted as I sit here and type and see the muffin top that is more like a full blown cake.

It wasn't like this a month ago, or nine months ago.  Last summer I got 'serious.'  I had an accountability partner.  I started exercising, for real.  I counted calories!  I was in a weigh-loss Bible study, y'all.  I mean it when I say that things were going good.  In total, I lost around 15lbs.  I was happy and energetic.  I even got to the point when I enjoyed exercise.  "So, what happened?" you ask.  I remember it SO clearly.  We went to visit my parents.  My mom cooked.  She doesn't cook for us super often, but I'm not lying when I tell you that my mom is an AMAZING cook.  When we sat down, she apologized.  She knew that I had been working at it and had seen results and her delectable Southern offerings weren't exactly in my meal plan.  I told her it was no big and helped myself to more butter dripping green beans and an extra roll.  I had kinda 'earned' it after all.  And my plan was not denying myself, but rather I was just eating less calories that I burned.  And it was working!  I told myself that like after I had splurged on a happy birthday to me meal and cake, I'd just work out a little more the next day.  Then the next day came around and I was tired from traveling and the treadmill was in Chas' room so I'd have to wait for him to get up, so I can skip today, right?  Then we traveled on the next day to sell our land (Hello, emotional eating!  I remember you!).  And I couldn't exercise while traveling, it was just too much.  It was just going to be 3 days after all and I normally go weekends without exercise.  Now, that I was home, I would start back.  Only I woke up Monday morning sick.  I can't exercise while sick and I don't feel like cooking so, I'll just eat this pizza and start back when I feel better...

I could go on, but I think you get the picture.  You see, I can pinpoint everything back to that one meal, but really it started just before that.  I can remember putting on an outfit and being TICKLED at how well it fit and how good I felt.  That was it.  That was the point in which everything began to crumble.  After all, I had arrived.  I was losing weight and feeling great.  This was what it was about.  I was doing it all the 'right way,' too.  I was eating less and moving more.  It was sure to stay off this time.  Then one slip led to another and another and another.  Sure, I tried to get back on the wagon, but I just couldn't seem to get momentum or traction again.  Then the pants kept getting tighter and the sweaters baggier.  Winter is a great time for gaining weight.

And now it's spring, with summer just a stone's throw away.  I can see the pool from my backporch.  Swimsuits and shorts and sun.  It should be fun, but I can't enjoy any of it.  I'm already stressing about what I'll do and wear.  And I hate myself for it.  Then I hate myself for hating myself.  The cycle is endless and awful.  The worst part is that I know what to do.  I did it and it worked.

Which is why I HAVE to begin again.  Last time, it was a friend who spurred me on.  We talked about our struggles with weight and it really kicked me into gear.  I began the next day.  I was in a situation where it was easy to work out and eat well and then when circumstances changed, I continued.  Now, my motivation is different.  I'm trying not to focus on the jeans that I'm wearing that are tighter than they should be.  I want my focus to be where it should.  I want to be healthy, not skinny.  I want my cholesterol and blood pressure to go down.  I want my body to work for me the way that it should and I want to do this so that I can work for God and heed His call.  I can't promise that I'll keep my mind on that motivation.  I'm already thinking about buying new and cute clothes, not being self loathing, being able to run with my son, and feeling attractive.  I don't want my focus to stay there, though.

It's going to be tough, too.  I have a surgery scheduled for tomorrow and I don't know how long I'll be out of commission.  I hope it's just a matter of days and not longer.  But I am signing up for a 5K in 2 months.  Will I be ready?  No.  Will I make a fool of myself?  Probably.  Will I have fun anyway?  I hope so.  I'll be running with a group and they are all skinnier and more fit, but I have to push myself.  I have 9 weeks and 2 days to work on it.  It's not enough time to be able to run, but it is enough time to hopefully not die when I do it.

I am giving myself 2 weeks to recuperate.  I hope I can keep my moto that long.  I want to hit it all hardcore, but I don't think it will be feasible.  I'll be doing a lot of traveling in June.  Regardless, I know what to do.  I have to eat less, move more, pray more.  I hope to document progress.  I hope that I can get on the right track and finally stay there.

Lists, Lists Everywhere!

Has anyone else noticed the preponderance of lists everywhere?  Not just your ordinary lists (because I am a BIG fan of most lists).  No, I'm talking specifically about those lists.  You know, the ones that tell you what you shouldn't say to (insert group here).  I've seen them for everything from military spouses to families of multiple children to single people to married people.

I'm sure there is some good information there and they may even come from a place of wanting to help  people.  I do know that I've seen some good stuff, forwarded, and facebook posted several of them myself.  But I just think it is getting a bit ridiculous.  

For example, on the families of multiple children list, I saw the comment: "You know what causes that, right?"  Hee hee.  That is one of my all times pet peeves!  Why does a family having many children invite comments about their sex life?  It is in poor taste and poor judgement.  However, I also saw this one:  "Oh, you must have SO many little helpers!" This seems harmless to me.  Maybe I'm wrong since I only have one child, but this seems... nice?  It is definitely a celebration of the children rather than something mean-spirited or a put down.

I also learned via these lists that I should never, ever order a Frappucino from Starbucks.  Or really just never go to Starbucks at all.  It seems that everything that makes Starbucks popular (meaning, all those frothy, sugary, syrupy 'coffee drinks') offends your friendly neighborhood barista.  If you do happen into a Starbucks, just order a plain coffee.

So, I guess what I'm really getting at is this:  Are these lists meant to be funny and ironic, or are they designed to help?  Or are they just the ramblings of someone in a very bad mood?

June Challenge...

Halfway through the year, already.  It's hard to believe.  I'm scared to look at my list of 'resolutions' I made 6 months ago.  I never shared them because there'd be accountability if I did.  But I knew they were there.

Last month, after my surgery I was struck by a comment by a friend.  I told her I couldn't look down due to pain and therefor couldn't read.  She exclaimed, "Oh, that must have been awful for you!"  Here's the thing.  It wasn't.  I didn't even think much about it.  Part of that was due to pain and such, but mostly it was because I had gotten out of the habit.  

I haven't read in a few months.  Well, I haven't read anything worth reading.  I had been reading 'candy.'  And as a result when my husband handed me a scholarly work, something 'nutritious,' I almost couldn't handle it.  It was bad.  I realized just how 'out of shape' I have gotten.  There very well may be a correlation to my own physical shape as well.

So, as I think about having six months behind me and six months before me, I looked back over my reading goals.  I have two down.  That's two out of 24!  It's a miserable statistic.  I could forgive myself if I had been really busy, but I have no excuse.  So, for the month of June, I am going to try to get back to reading.  I am going to endeavor to turn off the Roku at night after Chas has gone to bed (unless the Hubs wants to watch a Doctor Who or Farscape) and read.  I want to look back over my list.  There are some good books there.  I need to get back to it.

Also, I was reminded in prayer this week about my 'One Word.'  I'm sure most saw the challenge to pick a word for the year back in January when everything was new and there was nothing but possibilities.  :)  My word was:  Wisdom.  I have not been very wise here lately and I have not been actively seeking wisdom.  I've fallen off the wagon, as it were.  I also want to do better with this.  I want this idea of seeking wisdom to color my choices.

I hope to incorporate more of those failed resolutions, but I have to be wise about it.  If I look back at this list, chances are it will be overwhelming.  Instead, I hope to incorporate these ideas slowly.  If I can master these two in June, maybe I can pick out another couple in July and so on.  Who knows, maybe I can actually have the whole list in practice by December.  Just in time for next year's resolutions.  But let's not get ahead of ourselves.  

I Did What?

I signed up for a 5K.  This is ridiculous for SO many reasons.  Namely, because I haven't run consistently for, oh, about 5 months or so.  Not to mention there is the whole recovering from surgery.  Oh, and did I mention that the day that I'm running, I'm also going to me working at an all-day event at my church?  Yes.  I am insane.  

It's been one week since I signed up and it's been 5 days since my surgeon cleared me for most activity.  Now, ask me how many times I've gotten on the treadmill.  Twice.  Yep, two times in two weeks.  I know, I know.  I'll be in fighting shape in NO time, right?  And both of those times I was walking at a snail's pace.  Old women at the mall walk faster.  Seriously.

So, why did I do this?  Well, for one, my BFF asked me.  She and her sister put together a team for this 5K.  It sounded like fun.  Even though she's supah skinny and still losing, she offered to walk with me if I need it.  I'm still all kinds of worried because I can just see me slowing the WHOLE team down.  Like seriously, I worry about that.  

Secondly, I did it because it was a goal.  It was a goal I made in January.  I wanted to do a 5K, now to be completely honest, I wanted to RUN a 5K, but I'll handle completing it even if I have to crawl.  Now, I have this thing out there.  I did it.  I paid a fee (and I don't play with non-refundables).  I'm signed up.  It's happening whether I train or not.  Now, it's up to me to get myself in gear and only moderately embarrass myself.

And lastly, because why not?  I'm not entering a super-competitive 5K.  Its one of those 'fun' ones.  So, maybe I do completely embarrass myself.  I drag the entire team down and they have a miserable time.  But what if I don't?  What if we all go and have a blast?  Do I really want to miss out because I'm scared?  The answer is no.  I want to try.  I want to succeed.  But even if I don't, at least I did something.

Now, I have 4 weeks, 6 days, and 21 hours to get at least a little tiny bit better than I am now.  It's going to be hard and I may not make it.  But I'm going to try.  I want to try.  And regardless of the outcome, at least I did it.

I Need a Break...

I was talking to my BFF tonight and explaining about how I'm still in pain from my surgery and my Aunt just passed away and I couldn't get to Missouri for the funeral because of doctor's appointments and the Hub's drill schedule and she's had a TON going on including a kindergarden graduation and also said kindergarder's birthday coming up.  I said to her, "We need a break."  And I meant it.  

In my mind, I was picturing a weekend getaway or a spa day.  Heck, I think I'd probably just be happy to have an afternoon to sit at Starbuck's and chill.  I didn't have a lot of time to fantasize, but I still had those thoughts in my head.  

A little bit later, after reading a few things, I was reminded of a pet peeve of mine.  I had read a lot of blogs and articles after Lent that talked about the Sabbath and the need to keep it holy.  Disclaimer: I agree with this.  However, I disagree with how most go about it.  I hovered over many a comment box, ready to give my opinion, but in the end, I never did.  The main reason is because I don't think what most were saying was wrong, just incomplete.

The Hubs took time while deployed to 'do nothing' and just recharge and relax.  It was a very stressful time and it took a lot out of him.  I hear of families who completely unplug one day a week.  We impose a few rules for Sundays in our own home (no tv or ipod before church, etc.).  However, why do we limit our Sabbath rest to one day a week and confine and constrict it in so many ways?

We have to remember that Jesus is our Sabbath.  We can tap into the Sabbath rest at any time.  I don't have to wait until Sunday (or Saturday) for a rest or break.  I can take it anytime I please, by merely spending time with my Savior.  

So, indeed, the BFF and I do need breaks.  We may even sincerely need a spa day or coffee break.  But we/I also really need to know that I don't have to wait for anything to get a break.  I can spend time with Jesus and get that rest and rejuvenation that will propel me on to a better day.