And yet, as I sit here, I feel a sense of utter... hopelessness? loss? turmoil? I don't even know what the right word is. I know that whatever I felt in the past was merely a child's fantasy compared to the heartache and pain I feel now. It is so complete that I have trouble catching my breath and feel that at any moment I may be crushed completely by it's heaviness.
I know that it is only temporary, because things of this world are. But it doesn't feel that way right now. It feels as if there is no end in sight. All that is ahead is more pain and problems and bad. This, though, is also a cause to be thankful. I'm glad that I am not ruled by my feelings. I'm glad that I've had instruction and devotion to the idea of "taking my thoughts captive," as the apostle Paul instructs. I don't have to give in to this feeling of terror and hopelessness. I feel them to be sure. They are currently choking me with their intensity and I barely have a reprieve from my tears to type this out. But they don't own me and they can't completely consume me because there is a part of me that no longer belongs to me. That is the part I must listen to and rely on.
The other truth of this, there are very real circumstances behind these fickle feelings. There are things in my life that are bad and wrong and I have no clue when or how they will change. It may take a while and it may be uncomfortable. This is truth. However, I am not alone. I don't suffer alone. I like to think that I do because I have a tendency to hide myself away while I'm dealing with such horrible things. Yet, no matter how hard I try to recede, God is always there. He is beside me and within me. This is the comfort that while I abide in Him and in His Word while things are rosy, He will abide in me as well, especially when things aren't.
I also have friends and family. Some of what I'm going through, they are, too. We struggle together. I can be thankful that God sends people when you need them. Though many are unaware of what is going on at this moment, it's okay.
I'm also keenly aware that my current struggle and state aren't as bad as it could be. Part of my heartache is for a friend who is on the verge of the battle of his life, literally. I share their pain and it breaks my heart. It does not devalidate what I am going through, but it does give perspective.
The current, sincere prayer of my heart is that God would lead and guide me through this moment of despair and help me to honor and glorify Him through it. I pray that it will not last long, but even if it does, I pray that He will help me to lean into Him and not anywhere else. I pray that He be with my friends as they go through their own severe time and that healing and comfort would be upon them.
God be with us.
