Lessons from Genesis...

Okay, I’ll admit it.  I’ve probably read Genesis at least 10 times.  No, it isn’t because it’s my favorite book or because I just love reading it.  Rather, it is because I commit to those “Read through the Bible in a Year” plans pretty often.  Usually I taper off around Numbers, only to try again next year.

So it’s been that I begin with the best intentions and then fail to follow through.  This year, however, I took a different approach.  I haven’t committed to reading through the Bible in a designated amount of time; I’ve just committed to reading the Bible.  My hope and my goal is to be in the Word!

I’m not so worried with how much I read or when I check off each book.  I just want to be in God’s Word and learning more about Him.  I tend to favor reading large chunks of text at time.  I comprehend more and feel like I get more out of the context instead of just reading a couple verses here and there.

With that in mind, I embarked on 1 January on the She Reads Truth Genesis devotions.  So yet, again, I have read through Genesis.  This time, though, without guilt or rush or an insurmountable goal ahead of me.  I just opened my Bible (or more often my Bible app) and read.  And I did complete the entire book by the end of January.

As with most of Scripture, I had new things jump out at me and renewed fondness for things I’d read a million times.  Nothing stood out to me more, though, than the newness and new beginnings of Genesis.  I think we often overlook the beauty of that.  We see the formation and creation of the world and of God’s people, Israel.

How fitting is it, then, to read Genesis at the beginning of a new year?  How awesome is it to see your own beginnings written out by inspiration of the Creator himself?  I loved seeing both how God created mankind and also how He worked to set apart a designated people for Himself and I count it a joy and a privilege to be one of those that He’s set apart.

I’m not sure where I’ll be reading next, in this interim before Lent, I may continue on to Exodus or I may follow a different reading plan, but I do know that I want to continue in His Word and continue to get to know my Lord and spend that time with Him each day.

Bible Journaling: Fad or the Real Deal

Around 10 years ago, I was in the market for a new bible.  I’d had a pocket-sized HCSB, that I loved.  It had a pretty cover, fit in my purse, and it had enough room in the margins for a few notes.  However, I had recently been introduced to the ESV and I really liked that translation.  I tried to find a version in the style and size of my HCSB, but couldn’t.  It wasn’t long before I found the ESV journaling bible.  It was great because it had large, lined margins for notes. 

Then this year, I began working at a Christian bookstore.  I noticed that journaling bibles had become a thing.  They were everywhere.  People were coming in in droves to buy them.  Churches were having classes for them.  We even had an event for it.  I also learned that “journaling” in a bible, basically meant drawing and doodling in the margins – not what I’d been doing for the past 8 years.

I flipped through one of the books on journaling and dismissed it instantly as bunk.  There were drawings over the words.  It was no longer a bible but a doodle book.  One of my co-workers who was running the event had brought her personal bible and was showing off her work.  It was good, very pretty (and not over the words), but I still dismissed it as just a fad.  Beautiful, but still a fad.

So, I went home that night, tired and weary with a headache.  All I wanted to do was take a nap before we went to church.  However, there were several things going on, so I decided to just take a few minutes and read over the Scripture that we were studying that night; it was only 2 verses, Colossians 1:1-2.  As I read them, I thought about one of the journaling books I’d looked at.  It gave instructions for journaling.

Step 1 was to read the verse and really think about what it says, looking for key words.  As I read Colossians 1:2, key words jumped out at me.  I saw what it would look like written on a page.  So, I picked up a sketch pad (still not down for doodling in my bible) and began to write the verse out using some of the journaling techniques.  Then I grabbed my colored pencils and began to think on the words and what colors they evoked.  

It was kind of amazing.  As I sat there and meditated on this verse, thinking about it and drawing it out, I began to feel energized and relaxed.  By the time I was done, my headache was gone and I was excited to go to church and study this verse that was now so vibrant in my mind.

Like with most things, I think there are good and bad aspects.  I know that there are those out there that express themselves artistically.  The journaling pages with images evoked from Scripture are amazing.  They just aren’t for me.  At the end of the day, my bible is for reading and study and I don’t like anything that may mask that.  I also like having my margins for notes and references.

However, journaling Scripture that you are studying has an amazing meditative quality to it.  It is wonderfully therapeutic.  I may not do it regularly or do one of the journaling challenges that are floating arounds, but I love the idea of using it as a devotional or study tool.

What about you?  Where do you land on bible journaling?

Five Friday Favorites: Boundaries

Boundaries are difficult.  There are volumes written about boundaries.  It is spoken about frequently .  Boundaries are also very necessary.  Sometimes they can make us feel fenced in and almost claustrophobic.  Other times, they are stretched so thin, that we may wonder if they are even there at all.  I think that they key for boundaries is to make sure that you are fencing the right things in and keeping the right things out.

Here are some of the boundaries that I’ve had to set up in my life.

1.  Family.  Perhaps this is on everyone’s list?  I know that my extended family loves me and I know that they want what’s best for me.  However, not every way in which they show it is the healthiest.  I have to make sure that I have set up the proper boundaries around my immediate family and that I’m not allowing the “care” that my extended family shows to breach that.  It shows my husband respect and allows us to do what is truly best for us.

2.  My spouse.  I have to be very intentional with this one and keep proper perspective.  With just the three of us, it is easy for familiarity to creep in.  We are a close, tight-knit family and I am so very thankful for that.  But I have to remember to show that just because we are all close, we are not all on equal footing.  This is especially tough with having a teen in the house.

3.  Friends/Ministry.  I had to learn early on that just because something is good to do doesn’t mean that you should do it.  I am a reformed people pleaser.  I hate to say no or disappoint anyone.  I want to serve and help and love.  However, I had to learn that sometimes saying no is the better option and will actually help and love more than saying yes would have.

4.  Self-care.  I just learned a little more about this one and shared how vital it is.  You have to ensure that you are taking care of your whole self as much as possible before you can begin to serve others. Proper mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual care is key.   Even the flight attendants tell you to secure your own mask before helping someone else with theirs.

5.  God.  This one is unique.  Because rather than creating boundaries that keep something in or something else out, I’m learning to tear down the boundaries that I put around my God.  Rather than boxing Him in and thinking that He can only help with this, or that He’s only interested in that, I’m figuring out that He wants to be there for ALL of it.  I don’t have to put boundaries around Him or keep Him from things or out of things.  Rather, when I allow Him into everything, no matter how big or small, it automatically makes that thing better, sweeter, lovelier. 

What are some of your boundaries?  Or how are you learning to employ them better?

This post is part of a linkup with mrsdisciple.com.  Go here to check out even more on boundaries.

Making the Most of your Margins

Last week was insane.  I wasn’t quite sure why, but it was.  People were crazy.  My family was crazy.  I started to feel a little crazy myself. 

I only work part time which under normal circumstances means that I work 4-5 hours a day, 4 days a week.  Last week I worked 5 days and worked between 5-6 hours each day.  Encountering all the crazy people.  By Saturday (my first day off), I was beat.  Physically and mentally. 

I came to realized that with those few extra hours at work, everything had been thrown off, just a bit, but it was an important bit.  I wasn’t able to grocery shop for the whole week (poor planning on my part), so I was more apt to run and buy a couple things after work.  This pushed getting home even later. 

Once I got home, I had to do the normal tasks:  straighten up, do the dishes, cook dinner.  Yet, after working and running errands, I didn’t really feel like it.  Things piled up and we’d eat soup or sandwiches.  Nothing too strenuous.  I’d spend a little bit of time with Chas, and then NGD and I would watch an episode of Fringe (I was too tired by this point to watch more).  Then bed and repeat.

Add in the norm, (church, homeschooling, returning library books, etc.) and a couple of extra things in the week (going to a farm to learn the ropes on getting the milk for my milk group, NGD going to bible study with a friend, going over to our friends’ for Survivor night), and the week was just so full, it was busting at the seams.

I know that for most, this is the norm.  Most people are in a constant state of motion, running from one thing to the next.  Rushing one child to sports practice, picking another up from piano lessons, and then trying to make time for their spouse, all while trying to stay on top of work, chores, bills, and basic necessities.  And it’s hard. 

That’s one of the reasons that NGD & I work so diligently to plan ahead and intentionally try to create margins in our days and weeks.  Planning and prep really are the golden key.  I’m a visual person, so I invested in a calendar so I can see those margins.  It creates a calmness and peace to know that they are there and that I can take advantage of them without guilt.

Because without those margins this week, I wasn’t just affected by the craziness of others, I was part of it.  Saturday morning, I told my husband that I had realized that I had made little to no time that week to read, or write, or color.  I had journaled a bit on Wednesday, and even though it was really only about 10 minutes, it had calmed a raging headache and got me through the rest of the evening.

Women usually get a bad rap on this.  We tend not to practice self-care.  We spend so much time taking care of others that we minimize our own needs.  We think that this will strengthen us, yet it actually does the opposite.  When we take the time to take care of ourselves, we realize how much better we can take care of others.  It doesn’t have to be a spa day every week; it can just be a few hours doing something that recharges us.

Some of the ways that I recharge are by knitting, drawing, creating in some way, reading a book, researching holistic topics, watching a movie (by myself), or having a conversation with my husband/best friend about what’s going on with me.  There are many different things that will work.  It’s just about finding the right way for you and actually making the time to do it.  It is amazing what the results will show.

So, how do you recharge or practice self-care?

"I used to think _____ and now I think _____."

 I used to think the Kingdom of God was very small, but now I know how big and rich it is.

I don’t remember the date at all, but I remember the conversation:

Woman:  So, why don’t you go to Mega Church Down the Road?

Me:  Well, you see, they believe and practice Pet Doctrine I Didn’t Even Really Understand.

Woman: …

This conversation really did happen and almost exactly like this.  That woman was my boss.  I had no clue where she stood with the Lord or where (or if) she went to church.  And to be honest, I guess I didn’t care.  Because those weren’t things I asked or talked to her about.  Ever.  However, I did have this conversation that still today makes me cringe over 10 years later.

Shortly after that, I ran into a woman who was in seminary.  It wasn’t so rare considering the seminary that my husband went to, but I had very definite opinions on that.  Those opinions didn’t coincide with this woman, however.  She was smart and articulate.  She loved Jesus and people.  She asked me a similar question as the one above.  Here’s how this conversation went:

Seminarian Woman:  Oh, you don’t go to Blank Church?

Me:  No.  I just don’t agree with This Doctrine?

Seminarian Woman:  Really?  I like to go to a church and see if the Spirit of God is there.  That’s what I look for first.

Me: …

Yeah, I’m pretty sure I responded, but I’m sure that whatever I said was about as good as all I’ve referenced so far.  But her answer stuck with me.  I’ve thought about it a lot over the years and it’s definitely influenced me.  Even though it took me another several years to take it to heart.

Fast forward another few years and my husband was on active duty as a military chaplain.  Our first duty station was in Southern California.  During our time there, we became close friends with an Assembly of God chaplain and came into contact with host of others.  But we never found a church home.  Being a chaplain, my husband didn’t really want to go to the chapel (it was like bringing work home).  We visited several other churches who had the same or similar name on the front as ours back home.  But none of those churches had what we were really looking for:  the Spirit of God.

Our next duty station was in Rhode Island.  We went to a church (of our flavor) and it was good.  The preaching was sound, but the people never really welcomed us.  Then we had to go on base to the chapel.  The atmosphere wasn’t great, but since the base was very transient, it wasn’t long until we got a new chaplain and worship leader and things began to change.  God’s word was preached and a new worship team truly led our hearts in worship.

I’d never seen anything like it.  Being brought up in the Bible belt, most people I knew went to church because it was were you were supposed to be on Sunday mornings and occasional Sunday or Wednesday nights.  I’d never really known another way.  Until this chapel.  For the first time, I saw people coming to church who were just there because they loved God.  It was life changing.

In this chapel, I learned what worship was and what it could do.  I heard God’s word preached with authority and I saw people coming together, those who knew Jesus and those who wanted to.  I began to volunteer with the women’s ministry at the chapel and ran into all different brands of Christianity and religion.  I sat at potluck dinners with Seventh Day Adventists, Universalists, and Evangelicals.  I taught bible studies with Catholics and Protestants.

And while this was going on during Sundays and Wednesdays, I was in a concurrent Bible study with a group of moms from my son’s school.  Their diversity rivaled that of the chapel.  When we weren’t at the chapel, we attended a Reform Church.  I found a new love for Jesus, His Scripture, and His people.  I found something in this place that I didn’t even know I was looking for: the Kingdom of God.

You see, once we really experienced the Spirit of God, unhindered, we found God’s Kingdom.  When we gathered with those who didn’t care about pet doctrines or buzzwords, but just focused on Jesus and being led by His Spirit, we encountered what Jesus had spent His time on earth preaching – The Kingdom!

Because God’s Kingdom is so much more and so much bigger than I could ever imagine.  Not to mention the fact that I’m not called to define or defend the Kingdom, I’m called to seek it.

Out of Sorts by Sarah Bessey

What an amazing way to begin a book that is essentially the faith journey of author Sarah Bessey!  I have to admit that I was hooked from the beginning; an intro that perfectly sums up my current stage of life and Christian maturity.

The style of writing of Sarah Bessey has a quality to it that almost seems sculpted and poetic.  The pictures that she paints with her verbiage are as beautiful as the concepts that she is explaining.  This book is no different.  I found myself often staggered by the images that she used.  In a word, it was beautiful.

However, this is not a book of mere beauty and no substance.  Each chapter has a unique title and subject that could probably stand alone but when gathered together in this way, they absolutely shine.  While articulating beliefs (both her own and others) on various aspects of the Christian life, Sarah Bessey invites readers on her journey while encouraging them to embark on their own.

“I wanted to follow Jesus: not a way of thinking or a doctrine, not a sermon or a list of rules, not political affiliations and church denominations or a path to a shiny-happy life or anything like that.  I wanted to follow him and love him, right to the end, wherever he led.”

- Chapter 2, Out of Sorts

While I cannot claim to agree with everything she has articulated in this book, I feel that that in and of itself is okay.  Ms. Bessey gives the reader permission to disagree and figure it out on their own while still challenging you to seek the hard things and not shy away just because it is hard or sad or unpopular. 

“What I thought I knew or what I thought I believed turned out to be seeing through a glass darkly.  Even now, I am fairly certain I only have a small candle to aid my vision.”

- Chapter 4, Out of Sorts

Sarah herself proclaims that she doesn’t quite have it all figured out (not anymore #recoveringknowitall) and that what she does have figured out may change as she grows and matures.  That is the central lesson of the book, in my view.  We are constantly sorting; continuously going through the boxes of our faith and throwing out the old to make room for the new.  If we aren’t living a life of faith that is growing, maturing, and living, then we aren’t really living a life of faith.

“Anyone who gets to the end of their life with the exact same beliefs and opinions as they had at the beginning is doing it wrong.”

  - Chapter 5, Out of Sorts

We can’t take someone else’s word for matters as important as these.  They are ours to wrestle with and figure out, to store and to give away.  That is what Sarah Bessey does in this book.  From issues ranging the gambit from Jesus to Community to Grief, she takes a hard look at the ideas that permeate our current Christian climate and then looks at them from a Biblical and historic view.  Even though, the book is written from her unique perspective,  it is quite easy to plug in your own sorting.

“Who do you say he is?  And not the proper Sunday-school answer, not the lists of attributes or the memorized Bible verses – not here, not in this place.  When we are sorting through our very core self, this isn’t the time for the mask of right answers.  This is the time for the honesty.  In your heart of hearts, in your raw place of grief and suffering, in your rich center of love and redemption, who do you say God is?  There, in that place, who is he to you now?”

- Chapter 10, Out of Sorts

Above all else, there is a value on Truth and honesty and a call for us to clear out the attic space of our own faith and to not be scared of what we might find.  There may be things that absolutely need to be tossed, but there may also be things of beauty that need to be restored.  We must be honest and claim each item no matter where it came from or when we received it.  There is beauty in that as well, because it is all a part of us.  It is all part of our journey.  However, we cannot simply hold on to things due to sentimentality.  We have to make the hard choices in this sorting process.  And whichever it is, it is up to us to begin this process and to be led by the Holy Spirit into all Truth.  And sorting.

“I know you feel a bit out of sorts.  We all do sometimes.  It’s okay.  Don’t be afraid.”

- Benediction, Out of Sorts

Victory in Inches...

Oh, goodness! This could be the theme of my life. It's a phrase that the Hubs and I coined a while back during a particularly tough duty station. There was rampant wickedness and horrible situations and a lot of issues in our family. We really didn't know where to start or how to fix things. So, we just jumped in and followed Jesus. And things began to change. Little by little, here and there, things got better.

That's when we started using this term, Victory in Inches. There were no huge, life shattering moments, it was just the little things that were happening slowly, over time until one day when we turned around we could see undeniable progress. 

So, here we are again. There's a huge task before us, major house renovation and a major change in lifestyle (hello, homesteading!). I'm glad the Hubs knows where to start, because I certainly don't. And start, we have. Things are going, moving forward, but it seems that it is at a glacial pace. I'm the kind of person who goes for a walk in the morning and wonders if I'm skinny and healthy yet. 

Because of this, I am struggling with this project. It's one of the biggest of my life and certainly the biggest of my marriage. So, we definitely need to take our time and do it right. That's what I want. But I also want it done and want it done now. This is the part of me that I'm having to crucify daily. 

However, there's that other part that keeps sneaking in. The part that's telling me that we aren't making any progress and it's all for naught. All this sacrifice, all this work, it's just spinning our wheels. Oh, how easy these thoughts come. How easily my mind conjures the negative aspects and feeds on them. This is what I'm currently combatting. Every setback, every missed deadline is feeding into this line of thinking. 

This is why I have to occasionally do a "moto check." I have to stop and turn around. I have to make myself look at where we started so that I can see how far we've come. It's not drastic and it looks far worse now than when we started, but there is progress. Slow, steady moving forward. Victory in inches. It's not pretty yet and it isn't comfortable, but it's necessary.

For any person, in any stage of life, it's so much easier to focus on the negative aspects, to spend our time looking at how much is left, rather than what has been accomplished. But we can't live there, in that place. That is not our home.  No, our call is to live in the victory and hope that has been promised to us. When it is difficult and discouraging, we have to remember to take the time to see where we've been and how far Jesus has brought us. Because even when the victory comes in inches, we are still gaining ground. 

Got Perspective?

The Hubs used to teach a class called Biblical Leadership for future military officers. He taught the class for over two years. Early on, a young man came in and told a story. 

He was in training, doing calisthenics in a sand pit while being sprayed with a fire hose (it is much more intense than it sounds). During this session, he was maxed out. Tired, hungry, homesick, low. It's kind of the point of this kind of military training. They break you down and then rebuild you. However, this kid was on the verge of just quitting, walking away from all of it. But as he was thinking this, he looked up and saw a rainbow in the water being sprayed on him and his fellow officer candidates.

It reminded him of God's promise not to destroy the world with water again and that made him realize that he would not be destroyed there, no matter what the DI's threw at him. It was a lesson in perspective. 

Due to the transient nature of that base, new candidates cycled in and out pretty often but that story remained. Those that heard the original candidate tell the story would continue to ask for prayer for perspective each and every time we met. As they graduated and moved on and new people came in, the hold-overs would ask for prayers for perspective and every so often the Hubs would tell the story again. To remind those who were being torn down that it was okay. They wouldn't be destroyed there. 

It was one of the main lessons we learned during our time at that base. But oh, how quickly we forget! It was only 3 years ago that we left that duty station. 

And, yet, here I sit. Exhausted, tired, and low. We've had a rough couple of days. We are in the process of gutting and remodeling a 100+ year old farmhouse. Because of this, we've moved almost all of our household goods into storage and are going to be nomads this summer. (At least Chas & I, Hubs will be working on the house) 

So as I sit in a small room that is filled with luggage, a futon, and Chas' sleeping bag on the floor, I'm tempted to lament and feel awful. I am tempted to start the "Woe is me" lines. 

But I have to remember my perspective. I have to keep my eye light, as we're told in Matthew 6:22. I am blessed. We have a house. We have some amazing friends who are letting us stay with them (such a blessing!). I am going to visit my parents for the first time since Christmas. There is so much more positive going on than negative. 

As if God knew that I would be tempted to let the exhaustion and sorrow take over, He gave me this Saturday afternoon:

Now, I just have to remind myself of His promises and remember my joy!

March Books...

Um, so my reviews for March books aren't looking so good.  I think I have finally given up on fiction books (for the most part - I did download the entire Father Brown collection).  And I did start Orthodoxy and I'm loving it!  However, I think I dug myself a little deep in March.  

I was picked for Jen Hatmaker's For the Love book launch team (yay!) and began reading that book.  There was a bit of a deadline since we were asked to submit an endorsement for the book by 20 April, plus I just really wanted to finish the book!  I'm sure I'll have LOTS more to say about this book coming up, but for now I'll leave it here:

Now, I did finish Ms. Hatmakers book.  But then I also picked up a copy of Phillip Yancey's What's So Amazing About Grace?  And it is AMAZING!  I couldn't put it down.  Until I had to (laundry, dishes, cleaning house, and a family that thinks they need to eat EVERY DAY!).  Then a book I had on order at the library came in, The Fringe Hours by Jessica N. Turner.  Another great book!  And since it is on loan for the library, I thought, "Oh, I should finish this first, right?"  THEN, I got a copy of a book on Faith to read for our Ladies Day at church in July.  It's a quick read, so I should just go ahead and start that, too, right?  (Oh, and I may not have mentioned that I am currently teaching a women's bible study at church every other Wednesday, participating in a bible study on Hebrews every Thursday, and leading a different bible study with a different group of ladies once a month).

So, this is how I find myself reading 4 books (and 3 bible studies) in April and not managing as well as I had hoped (I'll have more to share on THAT big news later).  My yearly book list is all but discarded and I've added another 9 books (or so) to my list of books to read - an every growing list.  Long story short, I'm kind of failing at this right now.

But here's my plan for now:  I'm going to finish The Fringe Hours (because it is a library book, after all) and work on the Faith book (it really is a quick read).  Then I"m going to tackle What's So Amazing About Grace? and then try to finish Orthodoxy.  I may keep reading Orthodoxy here and there because the Hubs has taken to me reading it out loud and that's just fun.

So, now, at the end of April, I have finally posted about the books I've (tried to) read in March and no actual reviews.  Hopefully I will have more to share in May, along with the big news.

Liturgical Living - Lent

So, if you check the archives, last year, Lent was HUGE for me.  It was my first real foray into liturgical living and even though it didn't go well, or as expected, I learned a lot and it helped me to get ready for this year's attempt and I don't mean to brag, but I kind of rocked Advent.  Even Chas says so. 

Now for this year.  I totally dropped the ball.  I would LOVE to blame the fact that it's early or that we have a ton of things going on, but I really have no excuse.  I'm trying to forgive myself because I know I should, but really Lent and Advent are the two biggies that I feel like I can participate in (being a non-liturgical and all).  

However, even though I'm not strictly adhering to most Lenten practices, I am trying to think spiritually at this time.  I'm trying to simplify and I've tried to clean and de-clutter some.  I've thought about Christ's suffering and things of this nature.

And I guess what I'm learning (thanks to the "Interlude" in The Making of an Ordinary Saint) is that it isn't just about actions.  Sure, there are Lenten actions you can take that are good, fasting, prayer, etc.  However, those aren't the only, or best, ways to celebrate.  If the purpose of the liturgical year is to draw closer to God through looking at the life of Christ, then I have to accept that it won't always be perfect and I won't acheive the same goals as my awesome Liturgical brethern.

So, as a strict non-liturgical celebrating the liturgical year, I may be failing Lent, but I am still trying and still working to deepen my relationship with our Lord and know Him more and deeply.

Sincere Thoughts from my Heart

Have you ever felt lost and undone?  I thought I had.  I have always had a bit of a flair for the melodramatic.  As a child, even a perceived slight could send me over the edge.  I like to think that this has been tempered as I've grown.  I still have my moments, but with maturity has come some discretion.

And yet, as I sit here, I feel a sense of utter... hopelessness?  loss? turmoil?  I don't even know what the right word is.  I know that whatever I felt in the past was merely a child's fantasy compared to the heartache and pain I feel now.  It is so complete that I have trouble catching my breath and feel that at any moment I may be crushed completely by it's heaviness.

I know that it is only temporary, because things of this world are.  But it doesn't feel that way right now.  It feels as if there is no end in sight.  All that is ahead is more pain and problems and bad.  This, though, is also a cause to be thankful.  I'm glad that I am not ruled by my feelings.  I'm glad that I've had instruction and devotion to the idea of "taking my thoughts captive," as the apostle Paul instructs. I don't have to give in to this feeling of terror and hopelessness.  I feel them to be sure.  They are currently choking me with their intensity and I barely have a reprieve from my tears to type this out.  But they don't own me and they can't completely consume me because there is a part of me that no longer belongs to me.  That is the part I must listen to and rely on.

The other truth of this, there are very real circumstances behind these fickle feelings.  There are things in my life that are bad and wrong and I have no clue when or how they will change.  It may take a while and it may be uncomfortable.  This is truth.  However, I am not alone.  I don't suffer alone.  I like to think that I do because I have a tendency to hide myself away while I'm dealing with such horrible things.  Yet, no matter how hard I try to recede, God is always there.  He is beside me and within me.  This is the comfort that while I abide in Him and in His Word while things are rosy, He will abide in me as well, especially when things aren't.

I also have friends and family.  Some of what I'm going through, they are, too.  We struggle together.  I can be thankful that God sends people when you need them.  Though many are unaware of what is going on at this moment, it's okay.  

I'm also keenly aware that my current struggle and state aren't as bad as it could be.  Part of my heartache is for a friend  who is on the verge of the battle of his life, literally.  I share their pain and it breaks my heart.  It does not devalidate what I am going through, but it does give perspective.

The current, sincere prayer of my heart is that God would lead and guide me through this moment of despair and help me to honor and glorify Him through it.  I pray that it will not last long, but even if it does, I pray that He will help me to lean into Him and not anywhere else.  I pray that He be with my friends as they go through their own severe time and that healing and comfort would be upon them.  

God be with us.

The Four Pillars of Health...

I have sat in my fair share of military briefs and classes.  And I freely admit that I haved listened more to the Hubs than whatever Colonel or Captain might be adressing us.  I can't help it.  One of the best things that he ever covered was health.  I know, weird, right?  Not really.  It has always stuck with me and 'rang true' to what I have always thought.

The Hubs explains it like this:  we all have four pillars of health: mental, spiritual, emotional, and physical.  This makes sense since there are many facets to our overall health and they rely on each other.  Obviously, his focus as a chaplain was to talk about the spiritual side, but you can't do that and negate the other three.  It also, just so happens (wink, wink), that these pillars coincide with our command to love God with our Mind (mental), Heart (emotional), Soul (spiritual), and Strength (physical).

I understand that I can be in peak physical health, but off emotionally or mentally and that will affect my overall health.  Or I can be incredibly spiritual, daily Bible readings, weekly studies, fellowship, etc., but if I am eating nothing but hamburgers and ice cream, I'm not going to be what I ought.  If I let my mind run rampant in thought, but I work out every day, I'm not acheiving what I need to.  You get what I'm saying, right?  I am a whole person and because of that I cannot neglect any of these pillars.  To be overall healthy, I have to make sure that all my pillars are strong and standing upright.

This is no easy task and one, or another, may lean from time to time, but the goal is to keep each from falling down.  I struggle with this.  I want to be healthy.  Overall and not just one pillar.  I want to be strengthened so that I can love God with all my mind, heart, soul, and strength.  And this may mean denying myself that brownie and getting up early to work out.  It may mean turning off that tv show and reading a book, but not that one, an edifying one.  :)  I may (definitely) need to work on taking my thoughts captive and not reacting emotionally.

I have struggled with this, an each pillar, for some time.  I believe the key to this is deliberate, intentional living.  So, often we are reactionary, living life by reacting to whatever is happening TO us at that moment.  I think we need to be proactive.  We need to live life and not just have life 'happen.'  I need to be proactive and live life.  I try and fail, but I can't let failure deter me.

I'm a planner, but not much of a doer.  I LOVE to plan.  This time, I have to follow through, even- no, especially when my plan falls apart.  I hope to do better with blogging so that I can show my successes (and failures) with all of this.

Liturgical Fail

So, it's been a while.  I'll go ahead and admit that part of this is shame.  Shame, I tell you!  You see, with all the greatest plans in the world in place, I completely failed Lent.  I'm not sure I 'gave' up or 'took' up any of the things I had on my mind.  I didn't help my son.  And even though there was so much fail, I knew it could be redeemed, but life just kept getting in the way.  I guess this probably happens pretty often when non-liturgicals try something new like this.  I just have no experience.  I hope I can learn from this year for next.  

It was the same with Holy Week.  I got sick.  My parents came for Palm Sunday.  We had friends over on Maundy Thursday.  It was just very hard to work anything out and I was totally unprepared.  We did have a fun Resurrection Day and I was able to fill our sacrifice jars (thanks to the Hubs and a late night run for M&M's).

I do feel bad about it, but I really am trying not to feel guilty (I was joking about the shame earlier).  I will only feel guilty if I give up and don't learn.  I'm really new to this whole liturgical year stuff.  I have to take what I learn this year and roll that over into next year and keep doing that.  

So, what's on the horizon?  Well, since I've kinda been picking and choosing from the Liturgical Year, next up for us is Ascension Day.  What will we be doing?  How will we celebrate?  I do not know, yet.  I need to get on that.  It's only three and a half weeks away!  :)

Until then, happy Cinco de Mayo!  I need to go get my groceries for my enchiladas.  Or tacos.  Or quesadillas.  Can we celebrate all week?

Faith, Hope, & Love...

"Now abideth these three Faith, Hope, and Love..."

So, what has been on my mind lately (other than the fact that I'm STILL failing at Lent?)? Well, mostly this verse. 

One of the things I struggle most with in my life is trust. I'm still not entirely sure why this is, but I'm working on it. It's not just in one area but ALL areas. So you can see where as this is major. To this end, I've been reading a book for a Bible Study that's all about Faith. 

I also just went on an amazing retreat that focused on Love. Both loving others and making sure we spend time soaking in the love of God. Needless to say, this has been monumental. 

Also, I went to a gathering (the week after the retreat) and heard a great speaker expound on the need for Biblical Hope rather than natural hope; a hope that is securely anchored in God rather than circumstance. 

Do you see a theme here? Cause I did. I still don't know exactly why God is moving these things to the forefront of my mind but I'm working on it. 

For some reason I also believe my 'word' for the year plays into it all, too. The word I was led to was Wisdom. 

I have tried to meditate on these a bit, especially since that was one of my things for Lent, but have I mentioned that I'm not doing great there? I have fallen into the same trap that so many do. I'm... busy. Gasp!

I know. Everyone is. I went from a 4-night revival to a Women's Retreat to drop Chas off at Poppy & Mimi's (4 hours away) to a Minister & Wives gathering then back to retrieve Chas (6 hours this time) then back home for one day of rest before babysitting one of the cutest babies EVER and also soon to have an amazing 5-year old for 3 days. So, yeah. Busy. 

As you can plainly see there's been NO time for ya know, Bible and prayer and stuff. Yeah, I know I'm kinda disgusted with myself too. 

So this week, even though it's already Tuesday, I plan to work harder to spend time with Jesus. I want to. It isn't even an 'I know I should.'  I genuinely desire to. I hope to seek True Wisdom and work on embracing and showing more Faith, Hope, & Love.  

The Best Laid Plans...

So, Stac, how's that whole "Lent" thing going?  I'm SO glad you asked! Not well.  Le sigh.  In my last post I laid out my grand plan for Lent, so of course everything went downhill from there. We had an ice/snow storm on Monday which hindered going to the store (Monday is grocery-getting day 'round here). And a major birthday cake malfunction led to quite an abbreviated lesson on Lent. Since I didn't have the groceries in place for our 'amazing Fat Tuesday Feast' the hubs and I decided to go out for dinner and feast that way. Only we had friends come over and stay longer than expected (I love having friends over so no one gets kicked out. Ever. We just 'alter' plans). Thus led to our feast happening at 9pm Tuesday night. Wednesday would've been great... Except that since there was still an abundance of snow and ice, church was canceled for the Hubs and I. Thursday and Friday went off the rails when one of the most fun and beautiful 8-month old baby girls came to play. I had agreed to watch her a while back but with all the snow and ice, this was my first time that week (um, did I mention how much the snow an ice messed EVERYTHING up?). I'd also gotten a major migraine that just further wrecked it all. 

So, now I'm tapping out this post on my phone while this precious girl sleeps on my shoulder. Chas is working 'diligently' on his math while the Hubs works on his car. 

But, Stac! That's well and good but those were just lessons. How's living out Lent going? Le Sigh. Again. 

Well... I'd really hoped to follow through with everything. So far, I think taking the farther parking space is about all I've accomplished.

- Exercise went well last week, until the migraine hit. 

- Going to bed and getting up was just shot ALL to pieces. That happens when you feast at 9pm! 

- The snooze button is my drug. 

- Eating simply is a bit of a cop out because we already do that. 

- Yeah, we had a birthday party on Saturday with a friend who seriously knows how to throw a party. No fasting there. 

- How do you measure being intentional? I'm not sure but I know I'm failing there, too. 

- Cash? Nope. 

- Meditation, fun school, blogging, letters, or giving bread? Nope, nope, nope, nope , and, uh, nope. 

And don't even get me started on our 'sacrifice jars.' They aren't even made. 

I'm consoling myself by saying it's only the second week, but, still I feel totally inadequate. Then again, isn't that the point of Lent? To remind us continually of our need for our Savior. If so, totally hitting Lent out of the park!

I did do two things 'okay' last week. Both food related of course. First, our vegetarian dish on Thursday:

It's a Lemon Ricotta pasta dish. I used spinach noodles and real spinach, too (you gotta get those veggies in). All in all, this dish was a success! Me and the boys liked it. 

And this is Friday's offering. Bourbon Glazed salmon with creamed chard and rice pilaf. Whereas the boys loved it, I was unsure. The pilaf was awesome, chard okay, and fish got a thumbs down. May try to tweak it for the future. 

Now, here's praying that I (and the boys)) will have much more success this week. :)

Liturgical Living for a Non-Liturgical...

So, I was so blessed by Advent that I really wanted to look more into the liturgical calendar this year.  I have slacked on a LOT, but with Lent being so close, I had to dust off the missal and look at a few things.  Here's a little of what's on my mind...

What is Lent?

Simply, it is a period of the liturgical year that leads into Holy Week and the celebration of Jesus' resurrection.  Lent is celebrated for the 40 days (minus Sundays) prior to  Resurrection Day, or Easter.  It is generally used to mimic the 40 days Jesus spent in the wilderness.

Why should we celebrate Lent?

Per my understanding, not being a strictly liturgical Christian, the liturgical calendar with all feasts and celebrations are designed to get our hearts closer to Jesus by remembering Him and His life.  Lent is a great way to remember what Jesus did in the wilderness, prayer and fasting, and how that resembled the Israelites 40 year journey through the wilderness.  Lent is also a great tool to prepare our hearts, minds, and bodies, both individually and corporately, for the celebration of Jesus' resurrection which is foundational to our faith.

How do we celebrate Lent?

In most traditions, Lent is celebrated with Prayer, Fasting, and Almsgiving, or any combination of these.  Most see Lent as a time to 'give up' or 'take up' a certain behavior.  This is certainly one way to celebrate.  When we 'give up' something, we are to use this as a tool to pray.  Every time you miss what you have given up, whether it's something mental or physical, you are reminded to pray.  This is a way in which prayer and fasting go hand in hand.  Almsgiving is often overlooked, but it is traditionally the giving to or helping of those less fortunate.

Currently, most Christians look for interpretations of fasting and almsgiving, meaning not literal fasting from food or giving of money to the poor.  So, you may hear of Christians giving up soda or sweets or volunteering at a soup kitchen or giving away unused household items or toys.  This is one of the reasons that Lent is a very personal liturgical celebration that plays out corporately.  The idea is that each person is sacrificing personally and drawing closer to Jesus to overcome their temptation which affects the corporate body of believers who are all celebrating this season.

Is it wrong for non-Catholics or non-liturgicals to celebrate Lent?

I don't think any Catholic or liturgical friends would beat you up for it.  And I don't think any of your true Christian brethren would either.  Most Catholic or liturgicals would probably enjoy the opportunity to share with you and some of your brethren might like to know more.  Ultimately you should discern for yourself what God would have you to do.  Remember, "All things are lawful, but not all things are helpful.  All things are lawful, but not all things build up.  Let no one seek his own good, but the good of his neighbor." (1 Cor 10:23-24 ESV)

What will celebrating Lent look like for me?

Generally it is accepted that people talk about 'how they celebrate Lent.'  You'll hear lots of people talking about 'what they're giving up or taking up for Lent.'  I think that's fine, but we need to try not to go overboard.  We are told in Matthew 6:16-18, "And when you fast, do not look gloomy like the hypocrites, for they disfigure their faces that their fasting may be seen by others.  Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward.  But when you fast, anoint your head and wash your face, that your fasting may not be seen by others but by your Father who is in secret.  And your Father who sees in secret will reward you."  In other words, try not to complain or make yourself some sort of paragon of faith for what you're doing or giving up.  Just do it and do it well, heartily unto the Lord.

Now, having said all this, I'd like to give a general rundown of how I plan to celebrate Lent this year.  Ash Wednesday is the beginning of Lent and is on 5 March, this year.

3 March - (also the Hubs birthday) I plan to give a short lesson for Chas about what Lent is and common traditions, mostly the beginning of this, as well as, Scripture reading on the Temptation of Jesus in the wilderness.

4 March - Shrove Tuesday, or Mardi Gras, or Fat Tuesday.  Shrove comes from the word Shrive, which means confess.  This is the day before the sacrifice of Lent begins, which is the origin of Fat Tuesday and Mardi Gras.  It was a time of feasting before the fast.  I'll also give a lesson on this for school.  I'll also have a little 'feast' for dinner that night as well as a time of confession before we begin Lent.

5 March - Ash Wednesday.  Most who celebrate Lent go to special services and receive the mark of the cross in ash on their forehead.  I'm not sure we will make it to any services, but we may have our own (without ashes).  I really want to bring out the ideas of using ashes as a sign of mourning.

6 March -  Usually each individual picks out what they are doing before Lent begins and they are already doing it.  I have several ideas for myself (more on that later), but on this day I'll present Chas with my 'suggestion' as to what to do and let him brainstorm some ideas, too.  We'll make a list as well as a couple of index cards with verses to use to succeed.  After all, Jesus combatted his temptation in the wilderness with Scripture!

7 March - This will be a review day.  I'll try to reiterate why we are doing what we're doing and what it means.  I also really want Chas to make it his own without me forcing something on him.  I know he'll get more out of it that way.

8 March - I don't know how it'll go over with the fam, but I want to take my Saturdays as a true 'fast' day and Sabbath.  I'll have one meal, but that'll be it.  I don't know if I can succeed, but  I really want to at least try.  Hopefully it will be a way to prepare my heart for the worship services the next day.

9 March - This is the first Sunday of Lent.  As I said, Sundays are not included in Lent, so this may be used as a 'cheat' day depending on what Chas has chosen to do. We may also do the Scripture readings from the Lectionary (or on Monday).

After the first week, it'll be more low-key until Holy Week (I hope to make a separate post about how we'll celebrate that later.)  Here are a few things that I'll be trying to do:

- More exercise, not taking the closest parking spot

- Going to bed and waking up at set times

- Not hitting the snooze button (more than one time) :)

- Eat more simply

- Weekly 'fast' on Saturday (only one meal)

- Be more intentional (including a reinstating of THE Schedule)

- Use cash only, no debit card unless absolutely necessary (and a milkshake isn't necessary)

- Practice more meditation on God's Word, not just prayer, reading, and study

- Do one 'fun' activity for school a week

- Blog more, at least weekly (this is for me, since I'm pretty sure no one actually reads it)

- Write one letter or card to a friend a week

- Give my 'extra' loaf of bread away (and baking it more regularly)

I saw a really neat idea that I plan to implement (Here's the original post ).  It's called a 'Sacrifice Jar.'  Each of us (The Hubs, Chas, & I) will have a jar and every time we succeed at a task (No snooze! No complaining! One letter sent!) or when we've been tempted and called on Jesus to overcome, we'll place one 'seed' (in my case it'll be a black-eyed pea) in the jar.  It's a visual representation of accomplishment, but it serves another purpose.  On Resurrection Day Eve, I'll replace the peas with M&M's or another treat.  And to show grace, the number of treats won't be based on the number of peas but will be overflowing from the jar.  We don't do Easter, or the Easter bunny, or Easter baskets, so treats are lacking that morning anyway.  I don't feel guilty about that, but I just love this illustration of God's grace.  It doesn't matter how much you've failed or succeeded, your cup can still run over because He is Risen!!

So, there are my lofty, lofty goals.  I'm sure I'll succeed at some and fail miserably at others.  That's life, right?  However, I can't let the fear of failure keep me from trying.

What a clogged drain taught me about God...

I like to cook.  I think I've shared that before.  If you know me, you know this.  I like to eat, too.  Probably more than I like to cook.  Because when you eat, you don't have to do the clean up like you do if you cook.  I don't like to do the clean up.  I do it, because if I don't, I'll have nothing to cook or eat off of the next day.

I'm notorious for throwing things down the garbage disposal.  Especially the way our apartment is layed out now.  It's so much easier to scrape a pear or a potato over the sink than the trash.  Generally it isn't a problem.  It can take it.  I've thrown the things that are on the approved list: pear peelings, the ends off my green beans, leftovers, etc.  I've also thrown in the big No-no's: egg shells, potato peelings, an apple core (it was chopped into pieces already!).  It really hasn't been a problem.  The Hubs has taught me well how to make one run properly.  Only use cold water so it doesn't overheat.  Don't let it run too long.  Throw in some dish soap to lubricate once in a while.  I even throw in the lemons to make it smell nice.

So, you can see why it was such a surprise that my garbage disposal decided to vomit on me tonight. There I was just minding my own business, peeling my sweet potatoes, trimming my green beans.  Then when I went to 'dispose' of everything, the disposal didn't do it's job.  It gurgled and banged and then swooshed!  With that swoosh came a HUGE amount of water that typhooned all over me and the kitchen.  So, I did what I normally would do in this situation.  I turned off the water and disposal and then yelled for the Hubs.  Naturally, he came downstairs and had it fixed within 15 minutes.

As I sat here, reading a book and waiting for him to be done so I could finish cooking, I started thinking.  What would I do if he wasn't here?  That has been a valid question before since he has done 2 deployments to Iraq.  Would I call our maintenance guys?  Would I attempt to fix the clogged sink on my own?  Would I call a friend for help?  or Would I just be more careful about what I put down the drain?!  Knowing me, it would be the latter.

Having dealt with deployments and other absences, I smiled because I was so thankful that the Hubs was, in fact, here and I could once again throw things haphazardly into the garbage disposal.  I had faith.  Faith that if it clogged or broke, he could fix it.  It isn't a blind faith.  I've seen him fix the sink, tub, electrical outlet, car, washing machine, etc.  You name it, he's probably had to fix it for me.  

And this is what made me think about God, particularly my faith in Him.  I'm so timid, so shy, so anxious.  Why?  Because a lot of the time I behave as if I'm in this on my own.  As if I would have to 'fix the sink by myself.'  But that isn't the case.  God is there.  He's there to help.  I can go into most situations without fear because I know that He is there with me and ready to fight, rescue, or strengthen me.  And here's the thing: It, too, isn't a blind faith!  He's shown Himself to be faithful to me, time and again.  And not just me, I've heard it from friends and family, read it in the Bible, heard about it on TV, radio, and in books.

This isn't a new revelation.  This isn't a new idea.  This isn't even new to me.  But it is something that I needed right now.  I know I'll probably need it again, but I'm thankful that I am able to find some good perspective out of a minor catastrophe!