A Note to Women About Shame

Recently I have talked to two different women on two separate occasions and heard stories from their past.  One woman explained to me that she had no problem talking to people of the church about her past, after all, it was all stuff that had happened and there was no point in denying it or pretending it didn't exist.  The second woman admitted things from her past and was quite ashamed.  She told me that she rarely talked about it because she was so ashamed.

When talking to the first woman, I was bolstered.  I talked about some less than stellar moments from my past and how, although I didn't consistently proclaim them, I tried not to shy away either.  Because if I didn't admit my checkered past, then how could I adequately describe Jesus' grace, forgiveness, and redemption?

In the discussion with the second, I was deeply saddened by her grief and shame.  I was reminded and reminded her of the women of the Bible who had less than glowing pasts (and presents, in some cases).

Mary, Jesus' mother, was an unwed, pregnant teen.  Can you imagine the conflict within her?  Here she was counted faithful by God Almighty, called to bear His Son, and yet, she had to deal with some of the looks and opinions of others?  My main take-away here is the fact that if I am adhering to God's will and doing as He would have, then the opinions and rejections of others are no match!

Mary Magdalene was a woman who was possessed by (seven) demons.  Can you imagine the shame that she may have felt after being delivered from that?  But we have no record of that.  We have stories of her following the one who redeemed her, ministering and remaining faithful.  There was no time for shame.  She had work to do.

Composite Magdalen, Frans Francken II, 1637

The woman caught in adultery wasn't condemned by Jesus or stoned.  She was forgiven.  She went on her way with the command to, "sin no more."  Isn't that all we can do?  When we repent and are forgiven, we must make sure that we have truly turned away and no longer commit that sin.

Then we have the story of the Samaritan woman at the well!  Oh, how this story moves my heart.  She had everything against her.  She was a woman and a Samaritan.  She had had many husbands and was currently living with one to whom she wasn't married.  Yet, Jesus still talked to her, forgave her, and commissioned her to go and spread His message.  She wasn't disqualified because of her sin.  No, it was because she had been forgiven much that she was able to love much!

You see, the Bible is full of people with horrible stories in their past, both men and women.  We can't forget our past because it is part of us.  It has shaped us and created who we are.  We can't forget, but we also can't let it rule us or let it hold us back.  We have to see it for what it is.  It is a small part of our beautiful story, part of God's ultimate story of redemption.  If we have nothing to be redeemed from, what need have we of a redeemer?  

So, Sisters, please don't let your past continue to hold sway and shame over you.  Don't let it guide you and hider you from the work that God may be calling you to.  Be as free as Jesus has called you to be when He released you from the bondage to sin.  See your beauty in Him and let that be the greater part of your story! 

And don't forget Rahab the harlot was grafted into the very lineage of Jesus Himself.

Got Perspective?

The Hubs used to teach a class called Biblical Leadership for future military officers. He taught the class for over two years. Early on, a young man came in and told a story. 

He was in training, doing calisthenics in a sand pit while being sprayed with a fire hose (it is much more intense than it sounds). During this session, he was maxed out. Tired, hungry, homesick, low. It's kind of the point of this kind of military training. They break you down and then rebuild you. However, this kid was on the verge of just quitting, walking away from all of it. But as he was thinking this, he looked up and saw a rainbow in the water being sprayed on him and his fellow officer candidates.

It reminded him of God's promise not to destroy the world with water again and that made him realize that he would not be destroyed there, no matter what the DI's threw at him. It was a lesson in perspective. 

Due to the transient nature of that base, new candidates cycled in and out pretty often but that story remained. Those that heard the original candidate tell the story would continue to ask for prayer for perspective each and every time we met. As they graduated and moved on and new people came in, the hold-overs would ask for prayers for perspective and every so often the Hubs would tell the story again. To remind those who were being torn down that it was okay. They wouldn't be destroyed there. 

It was one of the main lessons we learned during our time at that base. But oh, how quickly we forget! It was only 3 years ago that we left that duty station. 

And, yet, here I sit. Exhausted, tired, and low. We've had a rough couple of days. We are in the process of gutting and remodeling a 100+ year old farmhouse. Because of this, we've moved almost all of our household goods into storage and are going to be nomads this summer. (At least Chas & I, Hubs will be working on the house) 

So as I sit in a small room that is filled with luggage, a futon, and Chas' sleeping bag on the floor, I'm tempted to lament and feel awful. I am tempted to start the "Woe is me" lines. 

But I have to remember my perspective. I have to keep my eye light, as we're told in Matthew 6:22. I am blessed. We have a house. We have some amazing friends who are letting us stay with them (such a blessing!). I am going to visit my parents for the first time since Christmas. There is so much more positive going on than negative. 

As if God knew that I would be tempted to let the exhaustion and sorrow take over, He gave me this Saturday afternoon:

Now, I just have to remind myself of His promises and remember my joy!

Take Two...

I posted a looong time ago that we bought a little piece of land, 2 acres, and that we were planning on building our dream home/homestead there. Fast forward two years and things have not gone as planned. Some for the better, some not so much. 

However, God has blessed us and now we are the owners of a new place, 5 acres and our very own little farmhouse (built in 1905!). 

The pic is a little dark and the house quite obviously need some love, but isn't it darling?!  

I have to say that almost everyone I've shown pics to says the same thing, "It has so much potential." 😀 

I haven't let that get me down too much. However, there's been plenty to get down about. Things thus far haven't gone, shall we say, smoothly? 

We knew this was a fixer upper and we had a pretty solid plan before we'd even closed, but man, it has been a consistent struggle since Day 1. I know that this is a journey and I need to just relax and see what God is going to do. Because I know it will be glorious. 

It will be a lesson in faith and trust (two areas where I need major help). It will also be an adventure, right? 

March Books...

Um, so my reviews for March books aren't looking so good.  I think I have finally given up on fiction books (for the most part - I did download the entire Father Brown collection).  And I did start Orthodoxy and I'm loving it!  However, I think I dug myself a little deep in March.  

I was picked for Jen Hatmaker's For the Love book launch team (yay!) and began reading that book.  There was a bit of a deadline since we were asked to submit an endorsement for the book by 20 April, plus I just really wanted to finish the book!  I'm sure I'll have LOTS more to say about this book coming up, but for now I'll leave it here:

Now, I did finish Ms. Hatmakers book.  But then I also picked up a copy of Phillip Yancey's What's So Amazing About Grace?  And it is AMAZING!  I couldn't put it down.  Until I had to (laundry, dishes, cleaning house, and a family that thinks they need to eat EVERY DAY!).  Then a book I had on order at the library came in, The Fringe Hours by Jessica N. Turner.  Another great book!  And since it is on loan for the library, I thought, "Oh, I should finish this first, right?"  THEN, I got a copy of a book on Faith to read for our Ladies Day at church in July.  It's a quick read, so I should just go ahead and start that, too, right?  (Oh, and I may not have mentioned that I am currently teaching a women's bible study at church every other Wednesday, participating in a bible study on Hebrews every Thursday, and leading a different bible study with a different group of ladies once a month).

So, this is how I find myself reading 4 books (and 3 bible studies) in April and not managing as well as I had hoped (I'll have more to share on THAT big news later).  My yearly book list is all but discarded and I've added another 9 books (or so) to my list of books to read - an every growing list.  Long story short, I'm kind of failing at this right now.

But here's my plan for now:  I'm going to finish The Fringe Hours (because it is a library book, after all) and work on the Faith book (it really is a quick read).  Then I"m going to tackle What's So Amazing About Grace? and then try to finish Orthodoxy.  I may keep reading Orthodoxy here and there because the Hubs has taken to me reading it out loud and that's just fun.

So, now, at the end of April, I have finally posted about the books I've (tried to) read in March and no actual reviews.  Hopefully I will have more to share in May, along with the big news.

Liturgical Living - Lent

So, if you check the archives, last year, Lent was HUGE for me.  It was my first real foray into liturgical living and even though it didn't go well, or as expected, I learned a lot and it helped me to get ready for this year's attempt and I don't mean to brag, but I kind of rocked Advent.  Even Chas says so. 

Now for this year.  I totally dropped the ball.  I would LOVE to blame the fact that it's early or that we have a ton of things going on, but I really have no excuse.  I'm trying to forgive myself because I know I should, but really Lent and Advent are the two biggies that I feel like I can participate in (being a non-liturgical and all).  

However, even though I'm not strictly adhering to most Lenten practices, I am trying to think spiritually at this time.  I'm trying to simplify and I've tried to clean and de-clutter some.  I've thought about Christ's suffering and things of this nature.

And I guess what I'm learning (thanks to the "Interlude" in The Making of an Ordinary Saint) is that it isn't just about actions.  Sure, there are Lenten actions you can take that are good, fasting, prayer, etc.  However, those aren't the only, or best, ways to celebrate.  If the purpose of the liturgical year is to draw closer to God through looking at the life of Christ, then I have to accept that it won't always be perfect and I won't acheive the same goals as my awesome Liturgical brethern.

So, as a strict non-liturgical celebrating the liturgical year, I may be failing Lent, but I am still trying and still working to deepen my relationship with our Lord and know Him more and deeply.

February Books...

Well, this blog has been a little harder to maintain right now with current circumstances in my life.  However, I did get to finish my February books.  Well, kind of.

I devoured Interrupted by Jen Hatmaker.  I also read one of the Sherlock Holmes stories, A Scandal in Bohemia.  But I did not read any of The Making of an Ordinary Saint (Fasting).  So, 2-ish out of 3 ain't bad? (I don't know if I can count just reading one Sherlock Holmes story).

I thoroughly enjoyed Sherlock, but that isn't surprising.  I love the tv shows/movies and detective novels in general.  I really wanted to start at the beginning, but I just couldn't wait to read about Ms. Adler.  I also read a fair amount of the history of publishing the Holmes stories (because I'm a nerd like that).  

As for Mrs. Hatmakers' book.  Yes!  That's about all I can say.  I would love to delve into the nuances and all, but just read it.  It's all about Kingdom living.  And that is awesome.  It's a bit fluffy and 'you go, girl,' but not so much so that it is hard to read.  I don't agree with all of her theology and doctrine (do I agree with ALL of anyone's?), but she gets it.  It's all about God and all about love and the messages that she writes are ones that need to be heard, read, and taught by individuals and in churches all around.  Seriously, you need to read it.

Sorry for the short updates and basic lack of activity.  I've been super busy filling a knitting order and just general life "stuff."  I am happy to report that I have read my missing discipline for February - fasting - as well as March's discipline - study - already.  And I've begun reading G.K. Chesterton's Orthodoxy.  I may not get to my fiction book this month because I have several gardening books that I want to look at and try to plan and see if this is something that might happen this year (and I will SO blog about that!)

And hopefully, I will get back in the swing of things and start blogging again (even though, I currently have no readers).  As someone once told me, it's good for the soul.  :)

Sincere Thoughts from my Heart

Have you ever felt lost and undone?  I thought I had.  I have always had a bit of a flair for the melodramatic.  As a child, even a perceived slight could send me over the edge.  I like to think that this has been tempered as I've grown.  I still have my moments, but with maturity has come some discretion.

And yet, as I sit here, I feel a sense of utter... hopelessness?  loss? turmoil?  I don't even know what the right word is.  I know that whatever I felt in the past was merely a child's fantasy compared to the heartache and pain I feel now.  It is so complete that I have trouble catching my breath and feel that at any moment I may be crushed completely by it's heaviness.

I know that it is only temporary, because things of this world are.  But it doesn't feel that way right now.  It feels as if there is no end in sight.  All that is ahead is more pain and problems and bad.  This, though, is also a cause to be thankful.  I'm glad that I am not ruled by my feelings.  I'm glad that I've had instruction and devotion to the idea of "taking my thoughts captive," as the apostle Paul instructs. I don't have to give in to this feeling of terror and hopelessness.  I feel them to be sure.  They are currently choking me with their intensity and I barely have a reprieve from my tears to type this out.  But they don't own me and they can't completely consume me because there is a part of me that no longer belongs to me.  That is the part I must listen to and rely on.

The other truth of this, there are very real circumstances behind these fickle feelings.  There are things in my life that are bad and wrong and I have no clue when or how they will change.  It may take a while and it may be uncomfortable.  This is truth.  However, I am not alone.  I don't suffer alone.  I like to think that I do because I have a tendency to hide myself away while I'm dealing with such horrible things.  Yet, no matter how hard I try to recede, God is always there.  He is beside me and within me.  This is the comfort that while I abide in Him and in His Word while things are rosy, He will abide in me as well, especially when things aren't.

I also have friends and family.  Some of what I'm going through, they are, too.  We struggle together.  I can be thankful that God sends people when you need them.  Though many are unaware of what is going on at this moment, it's okay.  

I'm also keenly aware that my current struggle and state aren't as bad as it could be.  Part of my heartache is for a friend  who is on the verge of the battle of his life, literally.  I share their pain and it breaks my heart.  It does not devalidate what I am going through, but it does give perspective.

The current, sincere prayer of my heart is that God would lead and guide me through this moment of despair and help me to honor and glorify Him through it.  I pray that it will not last long, but even if it does, I pray that He will help me to lean into Him and not anywhere else.  I pray that He be with my friends as they go through their own severe time and that healing and comfort would be upon them.  

God be with us.